Monkey See Monkey Do

Loaded like a freight train

2005-11-18T16:34:00.000-05:00

Monkey poll: what do you do when your Metrocard expires?

Do you
a) refill
b) get a new card

I always thought I was in the majority: I get a new card.

Turns out that everyone I rode home with last night refills.

WTF?

I am not a flagrant waster. I recycle. I heart trees. Then why do I insist on getting a new card? It’s certainly not because I enjoy fumbling through expired cards at the turnstile as my train approaches.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m scared the $76 won’t transfer to the old, new card. Yet those fears are clearly unfounded. (Update: a faithful non-reader just told me that you can't refill a monthy pass.)

Tonester says she gets a new card if her old one is bendy. She refills if her card is still brand-newy.
Not bad.

Anyway, I would have bet money that most people get new cards.

Oh, nuts

2005-11-14T19:07:00.000-05:00

This on'es for you, Bartlenut

A recently published study by researchers at Johns Hopkins Children’s Center claims that for many people, tree nut allergies may not be life-long problem. Some children appear to outgrow their allergic reactions to tree nuts, as well as peanuts, which are legumes, not nuts. By measuring tree nut antibodies in the blood, scientists can determine the likelihood that such allergies may be only temporary. The study also found that for children allergic to both peanuts and tree nuts, those that outgrew the peanut allergy were more likely to outgrow the tree nut allergy. Those allergic to more than one type of tree nut were less likely to outgrow their allergies, however.

Dear Trick or Treaters,

2005-10-31T13:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, once again, I've reluctantly decided to sign-up for trick or treating in my apartment building. But, first, I want to establish some ground rules:

1) No child dressed as Darth Maul will get any candy. I'm sorry, I've seen this costime too many times, and frankly I'm just sick of it. The Phantom Menace came out six years ago and it sucked.

2) No child whose parents are dressed in lame costumes will recieve candy. Listen up parents, no one cares if you dress up and frankly you look like a moron. Just shuffle your kid from door to door and say thank you.

3) Anyone who has visibly begun puberty will not get candy. Come on, have you no shame? I realize its a hard tradition to let go of, but think of it this way, you have many other things to look forward to right now, like drug-use and chronic masturbation. Grow up.

4) If I hear the whine, "But we already got Kit-Kats!" You can expect a door slammed in your face. I dont care if your bag is getting a little Kit-Kat heavy, this is what I like, this is what I want for leftovers, frankly you're lucky I'm not giving you bite-size Mounds, you brat.

5) Ring the doorbell once or I wont answer. You are not playing Jeopardy here. I'm not impressed with eight consecutive frantic rings.

6) Any child who tries to grab the entire bowl of candy in one quick grab, will surprisingly NOT be scolded. See, I know how this goes, take as much as you can and leave no prisoners, I respect you for this effort, because if its not you its the other guy. Bravo!

Man in the Mirror

2005-10-30T12:47:00.000-05:00

Question of the day: If you walked into a bar and sat on a stool next to someone exactly like you (read: very similar frienster profile) would you love 'em or leave 'em.

It's my unscientific, unfounded belief that there are two camps of people: those that like themselves (and others like them) and those that don't like themselves (and others like them).

Note: Toni points out the there is an existing, albeit small, part of the population that doesn't like anyone, so I guess they fall outside the scope of this blatant generalization. Xenophobes excluded, of course.

Where do you fall?

little world series

2005-10-27T18:56:00.000-04:00

ummm...did anyone watch this years world series? The 'stros? White Sox?

C'mon...I haven't been this disinterested since Hawaii slapped around Curacao in the 2004 Little League World Series.

Sweet mother of God

2005-09-30T13:18:00.000-04:00

7 Foot Woman? thats sounds crazy! Just another reason to tune into the WNBA next year!

Yep, another reason.

I'll be back later to post the first reason.

Squid!!!

2005-09-28T12:10:00.000-04:00

We finally got a photo of a giant squid. I guess I can cross it off my list of things I thought might be fake:

-Giant Squid (crossed off)
-Geysers
-The Great Wall of China
-The moon landing
-Daylight Savings Time
-Shakespeare

Shameless blogorism

2005-09-27T09:43:00.000-04:00

shamelessly lifted from boingboing

Interesting words from around the world
Adam Jacot de Boinod wrote a book called The Meaning Of Tingo, "a collection of words and phrases from around the world."

Here are some of the words in the book (from a BBC article) katahara itai: the action of laughing so much that one side of your abdomen hurts. (Japanese)

gigi rongak: the space between the teeth. (Malaysian)

bakku-shan: a girl who appears pretty from behind but not from the front. (Japanese)

nakkele: a man who licks whatever the food has been served on (Tulu).

Putzfimmel: a mania for cleaning. (German)

Backpfeifengesicht: a face that cries out for a fist in it. (German)

uitwaaien: walking in windy weather for fun. (Dutch)

Salad Girl

2005-09-23T15:14:00.000-04:00

Today I saw a girl eating a salad while she walked down the street.

With a fork.

As she walked.

To me, this is just mind-blowing. i dont understand this at all. Why are you eating a salad while you walk down the street!!!??

possible answers:
"I have no time! I'm so stressed! And i'm health-conscious!"
"This salad is fucking amazing! I need to eat it now!"
"I'm a complete maniac"

I mean, its dangerous too, she could have been hit by a car? how do you explain that one? strange town...

Jet Blue is done

2005-09-22T09:27:00.000-04:00

Sell your Jet Blue stocks right now. Overated airline. Let face it folks the only reason we ever liked that airline is because they had TV's on planes. We all had flashbacks of our childhood, being on airplanes bored out of our minds, waiting anxiously for Goldie Hawn's "Overboard" to start on a screen 15 rows up, so we can watch that with bad headphones and not understand the jokes. And thats all we got. Now, they have planes where we can watch TV. Who would of ever thought I could fly to FT. Lauderdale and watch the World Series of Poker at the same time? Sign me up! But after the TV's, that airline doesnt have much left in the tank. I don't even think its that cheap anymore? Is it? Soon all the planes will have TV's and then what does JetBlue have to offer? Soon they will become like every other airline, where they always seem to be on the brink of bankrupcy. And now look at this, they are crashing. Or almost crashing. And guess what? They got to watch their own crash on TV. So at least that crash never got boring.

Timber, Ho

2005-09-20T18:01:00.000-04:00

If a Monkey posts on the blog, but nobody reads it, does it even matter?

Strike Three?

2005-09-12T09:21:00.000-04:00

Question:

Why is the batter is called out for bunting foul for his third strike?

I never really understood this rule. Please explain. Bartlescriv? Perhaps Ronald knows the answer to this mystery?

Oh, Blake

2005-09-08T19:13:00.000-04:00

Is it me, or does this guy:

walk a lot like this guy:

Top Five Steve Guttenberg Performances

2005-08-31T14:08:00.000-04:00

5) Jack Bonner (Cocoon)

-Um, I dont really like this performance. But, I needed a 5, it was either this or his role in "Zeus and Roxanne." Generally, this movie creeps me out and I try not to think about. Something about Wilfred Brimley in a bathing suit. Yikes.

4) Michael Kellan (Three Men and a Baby)

-Some 80s casting director, was like "We've got Selleck, Danson, AND Guttenberg on board, we've struck gold!" And gold it was, indeed. Stevie plays the hotshot cartoonist with the tiger hand puppet, pure genius. Directed by Leonard Nimoy? Odd. Featuring the ghost of a child who was killed on set.

3) Newton Crosby (Short Circuit)

-No actor has every established such chemistry with a wise-cracking government robot. Arguably the high-point of Steve's career.

2) Eddie Simmons (Diner)

-Snubbed by the Oscars. Really, he was. Gives his fiance the aptitude test on Baltimore Colts knowledge. I plan to do this with my fiance and the Mets. First question, "Who got so drunk on the team plane on a '86 road trip that he urinated all over himself with his penis exposed to the whole plane?" Answer; Rafael Santana.

1) Carey Mahoney (Police Academy 1-4)

-Obvious #1 choice. Arguably the greatest character ever created. I've tried to model my life after Mahoney ever since I first saw this inspiration on VHS. Getting blowjobs in podiums. Parking cars sideways. Switching Mouser's shampoo with Tack's high powered glue. DELIGHTFUL!!!! (sigh) May Guttenberg rest in peace. (he's not dead, just didnt know how to end this).

I had No Idea they were that huge

2005-08-30T00:26:00.000-04:00

This one goes out to my friend Darknads...

Let's play a little free association.

When I say go, you name the baseball player with the biggest earlobes.

Attached, hanging, pierced - whatever. Just think big. Think helipad. Think National Geographic big.

Ready, set......Go.

Who'd you come up with?
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
Did you guess number 55?

"Well, that's a huge earlobe! That's a virtual planetoid! Has its own weather system! Lobe! Move!"

"That boy's lobe's like Sputnik! Spherical, but quick pointy in parts. He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow!"

If you didn't say Hideki then you haven't been watching enough AL ball.

Somone tried to convince me that has Hideki has Godzilla-sized earlobes but I didn't believe them. Well, I was wrong. The proof is in the pudding.

And since we are mocking athlete arrests....

2005-08-29T12:47:00.000-04:00

come on bra, puff out the fro for this pic

Ricky Williams = nutbag

straight gangsta

i think i smoked pot with her in Riverside Park, ten years ago, is that possible

arrested for trying to hit Hacksaw Jim Dugan with a chair

Where Have You Gone Dwight Gooden

2005-08-26T19:34:00.000-04:00

Those Metropolitans must have gotten their hands on some killer coke back in '86. The kind of stuff that stays in your system for twenty years.

Posting anything Mets related doesn't normally fall under my domian, but since the good Dr. performed so admirably for my beloved NY Jankees, I feel entitled to blogarrhea all over him.

I understand the dude's got issues, and I hope he resolves them asap. But c'mon bro -- how many breaks can you hope to get? Just why - WHY! were your bobbing and weaving on the highway? I suppose he's innocent until proven guilty, but this smells worse than Kule's Jeep senior year. Oh, doodle.

Dwight. Darryl. Lenny. This city will always love you. But get your shit together already!

The funniest part is that this mug shot was lifted from an arrest three years ago.

Top 5 Most Annoying People on My Way to Work Today

2005-08-25T09:18:00.000-04:00

1) The woman in front of me on the coffee line who ordered the fancy latte decaf skim chai bullshit. Hey, I want regular coffee and I dont want to be late, that thing you're ordering takes about forty-five minutes to make, come back later.

2) The guy who tried to hand me an AM Daily relentlessly and then looked pissed and confused when i refused. Listen, I dont want your dirty rag. Maybe if the sports section was better, then i would take it. thats a good idea actually, a daily free paper thats all sports. hmmm. no one steal that.

3) The guy whistling on the subway platform. What are you, working on the railroad? Shut up.

4) The author of the book i'm reading. What's going on with this plot? Nothing's happening. Lets get some development, you're just spinning wheels here.

5) The woman who held the elevator door open and then let in seven people. Then she got off at the third floor. You bitch! Next time, you should ask everyone else in the elevator if they feel like being nice and holding the doors, maybe take a quick poll, I work on the top floor, so i vote no.

Narm!

2005-08-24T21:08:00.000-04:00

Better than, "more cowbell"

(click link above)

ipods - 9 Harry Potters- 3

2005-08-23T09:07:00.001-04:00

NEW YORK -- The ipods had a commanding victory over the Harry Potters this morning in the Subway Paraphernalia Invitational. Bartlby spotted a total of nine ipods on his way to work and only noticed three Harry Potters. While the ipod sightings were not overwhelming, they were enough to easily defeat the Harry Potters. "We knew what we had to do this morning, we just wanted to come out there and put together a team effort. We were able to string together a couple mini-ipods early on, which got us the lead and we were able hold on," lime-green mini-ipod said after the subway ride. The Harry Potters continue to slump after their dominate production early this summer. The coach of the ipods was ejected after the first transfer, arguing that Bartlby was not counting the corrct number because he didnt register several people seen with white headphones from a distance. All three HP's spotted this morning were without the dust-jacket---as the dust jacket continues to be out of favor due to its inability to protect the shame of the reader.

M.I.A. BartlbyScriv

2005-08-18T20:52:00.000-04:00

Have you seen my good friend Bartlehead?

Last seen at E.O. with Margaret Yang.

If you see him, please have him report to the Monkey House immediately.

Thank you

Strong Bad and Homestar Runner

2005-08-16T10:14:00.000-04:00

Combine one part Family Guy, one part South Park, and a splash of Space Ghost. Add good writing. Shake and pour.

And then cry because you are jealous you are not a part of Homestar Runner team.

I don't know how I missed this the first (or second, or third?) time around, but HomeStar Runner is without question the funniest thing I've seen since The Funk.

If you haven't checked out the site then I suggest you clear your schedule for the next couple of hours and start with the link above. Strong Bad's emails are pure comedy genius.

I Hear an Oscar Comin'

2005-08-15T10:42:00.000-04:00

Recently saw the Johnny Cash biopic, "Walk the Line" and wow. What a great flick. Leaf, er, Joaquin Phoenix does a fantastic job as the Man in Black and you just want to squeeze Reese Witherfork. The director adores Reese and it shows in every amber-hue, backlit, Maria Full of Grace shot.

Can the Academy go back-to-back with music bio-pic Best Actor awards? I think Joaquin deserves it.

More on the flick as the release date approches. Click on the link above to view the trailer.

Brooklyn Breakfast Burrito

2005-08-14T16:23:00.000-04:00

I was sitting around with some buddies on Sat night drinking beers and hitting up the barbie when it occured to us that we rarely see chicken on the omelet menu. Why is that? You see sausage. You see ham. You'll even see corned beef. But rarely will you ever find the egg's donor, chicken, on the menu.

Perhaps you're thinking it's just too weird to combine two animal parts in one meal. Ohhh ha ha, what about our good friend Mr. cheese burger? As Lisa Simpson points out, "Those all come from the same animal!"

So, where am I going with this? Denver has an omelet. Santa Fe has an omelet. There's even a Western omelet. (Granted, those are all really the same omelet co-opted by different territories.)

Behold my recipe for the Brooklyn Breakfast Burrito Omelet: pulled chicken gently mixed with scrambled eggs, grilled onions and peppers, and a blend of Monterey Jack and Cheddar cheeses - all wrapped in a soft flour tortilla and served with your choice of spicy salsa. Brown beans optional.

His response to the protesting woman:

2005-08-11T15:25:00.000-04:00

"I understand the anguish that some feel about the death that takes place," Bush said.

"I also have heard the voices of those saying: Pull out now," he said. "And I've thought about their cry and their sincere desire to reduce the loss of life by pulling our troops out. I just strongly disagree."

Ok, first off, he cant speak English. Guys, he cant speak English. This is the most poorly articulated statement i've ever read.

I'm going to try and translate it:

"I understand the anguish that some feel about the death that takes place' = "I guess people must be sad when their children die. "

"i've heard the voices of those saying: Pull out now" = "someone told me the other day that the majority of the country is against the war, but i still dont really believe that shit."

"And I've thought about their cry and their sincere desire to reduce the loss of life by pulling our troops out" = "i've considered the notion that ending the awful, miserably violent war will in fact save lives and that some people might like this concept."

"I strongly disagree" = "I dont really care. I just dont want to look like a pussy. Who's pitching for the Rangers tonight?"

BA:H Humbug

2005-08-11T15:08:00.000-04:00

Actually, it pains me to post this pic, seeing as Alba is the poster child for the Bad Actor:Hype ratio.

(the Bad Actor: Hype ratio (BA:H) is a measure of the disproportional ratio that sides the number of goose eggs an actor accumulates over her/his career vs. the number of features/profiles s/he receives in the glossies.)

Let's open this up for discussion: I'm curious who you think outranks Alba in the BA:H. Comment away!

Leave Me Alone, John.

2005-08-10T16:10:00.000-04:00

Is anyone else STILL getting constant emails from John Kerry? Every time another Republican scandal comes to the surface, I get an email from this clown telling me what he thinks I should think. John, when did you become the annoying email friend? Is it because I gave you 40 bucks last September? Cause I'll give you another 40 bucks to shut the hell up, I really will.

Here's an email for ya:

Dear John,

YOU LOST.

I was one of your biggest supporters, I really was, but the friendship is over, I dont really care what you think anymore. The only thing your emails do is remind me of what a horrible experience that election was. In fact, when i see your name pop up in my inbox, I reach for the delete button faster than I do when i get an email offer for discount penis-enlargement pills. I'm more likely to read espn.com's reminder about their exciting new bass-fishing progam. Why cant you just go grow a beard, get fat, and only appear in the news when you give some ranting, half-deranged commencement speech next spring? Seriously, maybe Mary-Beth Cahill has locked herself in a dingy apartment with a handle of gin and a laptop? Maybe thats the source of this email nonsense.

Listen John, I love you, but its over. I'm pissed about the Karl Rove business too, but you dont see me BCC'ing 500,000 people my opinion on the matter. Leave me alone.

Smooth Jazz makes me feel better too

2005-08-08T17:27:00.000-04:00

Rub it out, Bartlbaby

With respect to BartlbyScriv and The Fonz, I don't think Ball and co jumped the shark when they 86ed Nathanial Something Fisher, Jr. If anything, the shark jump took place when David and Keith moved in with Durrell and Anthony.

For that matter, things have been moving very quickly on 6ft over the last two seasons. Charaters act on impulse, and all we get is the drama, and none of the subtleties that made seasons 1-4 so steller. Nate has a crush, and fucks his "sappy little ferret." Ruth has a crush (or a flash?) and almost gives her hairdresser a hand-job. (OK, so I just wanted to type hand-job.)

But the shark jumping? Well, maybe. The whole season feels heavy-handed to me. The George meltdown, the Claire / Billy meltdown, Nate beating a bird to death, Rico sleeping on the couch -- where's the Six Feet of Old? Give me the psycho Chenowiths, the Claire art-school drama (hint hint -- where's Mena been?), the David/Keith fighting on the floor. It's all been quick angry dialogue.

On a lighter note, any appearance by the lovely Kathy Batesis a welcomed addition.

Alright, I'm going to go kill myself now, thanks HBO.

2005-08-08T16:32:00.000-04:00

It's IS TV. And it's fucking depressing.

Is it me or has Six Feet Under managed to finally jump the shark with only two episodes left? Listen Alan Ball, I can think of enough reasons to sit alone in my apartment on a sunday night, crying myself to sleep, without your help, thank you very much. In fact Alan, why don't you just come over to my apartment next sunday, ring the doorbell, and kick me in the groin when I answer.

So Nate croaked. Great. That's great. We really needed to see him die, as if that show wasn't depressing enough. To summerize what we have seen in five years: a father die in a car accident, a brother sexually assault his sister, a wife drown in the ocean, a lover of that wife blow his brains out, a guy get kidnapped and forced to smoke crack at gunpoint—all this continually sprinkled with brutally ugly domestic disputes and weekly scenes of premature death. You still have two weeks left Alan, why don't you just kill off Claire and David also. You couldnt even give us the satisfaction of watching the annoying Ben Foster character die, or Maggie, no, you had to kill Nate instead. What is there to lose at this point? In fact, why dont you make a spinoff series about the life and times of Maya, the sad orphan girl. Someone remind me again, why I watch this show every week? Next Sunday at 9pm, I'm going to just rub hot sauce in my eyes, bang my head against the coffee table twice, and then turn on Family Guy instead.

Is Conrad Bain Alive?

2005-08-08T11:15:00.000-04:00

I feel like he might have died and no one thought to tell me. Or maybe he's just still alive. If anyone has any information on this, please share.......

And while we are on the topic of aging canadien actors who made their mark in the 80s and now may or may not be dead.

look at this picture of Corey Haim, is he on steroids? jeez.

And I Would Walk Seven-ty Miles...

2005-08-06T12:34:00.000-04:00

Saw March of the Penguins last night with the Tonester -- a definite must see for all you big screen nature freaks out there. The footage was not as good as Winged Migration, but I guess that's not saying too much, considering WM was some of the best shit I've ever seen. What other real life flick makes Chicken Little look like claymation. Actually, was Chicken Little claymation?

Those penguins are tough son-ova-bithches. Does anyone else think that penguins and Bob-O look the same from 100 yards out?

Two more notes:
Morgan Freeman did a wonderful job narrating, even though I kept expecting Andy Dufresne to appear.

And finally -- my next movie will most certainly not be rated PG. The PG previews are most awful.

Don't Ride In Russian Submarines

2005-08-05T13:34:00.000-04:00

Ok. First off, I'm sorry for those guys stranded 600 feet below the sea in a submarine. Im quite sure that is an utterly horrifying experience. I know that I was stuck on the top of a ferris wheel once for about two minutes and I almost had a nervous breakdown. So what they are going through must suck ass. Lets get them back safely. Or, at least try, so we can feel good about ourselves.

With that being said, Russians should not be allowed to use submarines. Clearly, they are incapable of operating them properly. I mean come on guys, get it together. This is twice in five years. That isnt a coincidence, I'm sorry. Twice in fifty years is a coincidence. This proves that you guys aren't reading the submarine manual before you take them out. This one got stranded because it got caught in fishing nets. Fishing nets!! I know close to nothing about underwater exploration, and have never claimed so, but even I would assume that fishing nets, and how to avoid them, would be covered in the first chapter. Thats like saying, "When you take the golf cart out, make sure you dont drive into a sand trap."

And now we are sending unmanned rescue vechiles, called Super Scorpians, to save them. Which brings me to my next point, we have too much money. Why do we have these? Do we use these "Scorpians" a lot? Are people stranded underwater that often that we felt the need to build underwater robot submarines? who wrote the check for these? did they have a meeting to discuss how many Scorpians we would need? was there a series of office emails about this? I'll tell you whoever greenlighted the Scorpian idea, feels like hot shit today. The phone will be ringing off the hook in that household tonight.

So what happens now? The Russians die; I quickly delete this post. Or they are saved and in two months, we won't remebmber the news story that came up to fill the void between something about Rafeal Palmeiro and a commentary on the Dukes of Hazards' mediocre take at the boxoffice.

Anyway, dont get into a Russian sub. And if you absolutely have to, and arent affiliated with the Russian military, you are in an odd predicament. And I dont feel comfortable giving you advice to begin with.

Geoff's burps smell like farts

2005-08-05T11:05:00.000-04:00

Is this low brow enough for you?

Perhaps we can also discuss W's four week vacation in the midst of the ongoing war.