Top Five Steve Guttenberg Performances

5) Jack Bonner (Cocoon)

-Um, I dont really like this performance. But, I needed a 5, it was either this or his role in "Zeus and Roxanne." Generally, this movie creeps me out and I try not to think about. Something about Wilfred Brimley in a bathing suit. Yikes.

4) Michael Kellan (Three Men and a Baby)

-Some 80s casting director, was like "We've got Selleck, Danson, AND Guttenberg on board, we've struck gold!" And gold it was, indeed. Stevie plays the hotshot cartoonist with the tiger hand puppet, pure genius. Directed by Leonard Nimoy? Odd. Featuring the ghost of a child who was killed on set.

3) Newton Crosby (Short Circuit)

-No actor has every established such chemistry with a wise-cracking government robot. Arguably the high-point of Steve's career.


2) Eddie Simmons (Diner)

-Snubbed by the Oscars. Really, he was. Gives his fiance the aptitude test on Baltimore Colts knowledge. I plan to do this with my fiance and the Mets. First question, "Who got so drunk on the team plane on a '86 road trip that he urinated all over himself with his penis exposed to the whole plane?" Answer; Rafael Santana.

1) Carey Mahoney (Police Academy 1-4)

-Obvious #1 choice. Arguably the greatest character ever created. I've tried to model my life after Mahoney ever since I first saw this inspiration on VHS. Getting blowjobs in podiums. Parking cars sideways. Switching Mouser's shampoo with Tack's high powered glue. DELIGHTFUL!!!! (sigh) May Guttenberg rest in peace. (he's not dead, just didnt know how to end this).